RENT
Two days ago, my wife confirmed to me that my stepson pays no rent while living in our home. He gets fed, his clothes get laundered and bills get paid. Before he recently moved out and back in again, I long suspected this but I was assured by my wife that he pays rent to her. If there was a rent paid, at best I suspect at best it was paid on an ad hoc basis. He occasionally chipped in with a shopping bill, or so I was told.
Since my stepson has come back to live with us, I haven't seen much evidence of a 'rent' being paid. He once bought a big bag of crisps which he largely consumed, he bought a few jars of cockles again something that he only eats, and he paid a couple of his friends to finish the job of trimming a hedge and cutting the lawn which he volunteered to do. That's the only evidence of 'rent' I've seen.
My view is that he should pay rent because he works. My wife and I sometimes struggle to pay the bills. He spends almost all his wages on himself, mainly alcohol and delivery meals. I don't think it's good for him that he doesn't pay rent as he'll never realise what being an adult involves running a home. There's no financial incentive for him to move out and get his own home. I think my wife isn't helping his transition from a supported child to an independent adult. He is over 30 years of age now and it's time he grew up. I'm happy to discuss the amount of rent he pays but it's the principle that a rent should be paid is what's important to me.
But what is clear is that I need to talk to my wife and not my stepson about all this. I do but it invariably leads to a big arguments between us. She just dismisses what I say as me having a go at her son. I'm not. I realise that the problem lies with my wife more than my stepson. But I'm now at a loss what I can do to get him to pay rent.
I know there's no magic wand solution to this problem. And I'm beginning to realise that a choice needs to be made both for myself and my wife.
I know there are at least three sides to this story and I'm only putting forward my side. Believe me, I'm not trying to demonise my stepson or my wife as that won't help things. As I said, there's no easy solution. A reason why I'm writing this post is to help me gather my thoughts together. Blogging is therapeutic sometimes.
Talking about it to others is indeed therapeutic I just hope you and your wife can resolve this issue soon.. xoxo
ReplyDeleteI hope so too but I'm more pessimistic now than I was.
DeleteOh, my friend, I'm so sorry. This is a quandary for the ages.
ReplyDeleteAt the very least, you'd think he'd chip in for the food and utilities.
He obviously doesn't feel he should and my wife obviously thinks the same.
DeleteMaybe come up with a nominal amount? Something that is a sort of compromise, like a hundred pounds? It's not a lot, but it's about teaching responsibility. You and your wife, as well as his father, are not going to be around forever. If he doesn't learn to pay bills, how is going to get by?
DeleteI made that suggestion to my wife but the idea was met with indifference. The problem in many ways more about my wife and my stepson. I'm sure he would see the justice of him paying a rent.
DeleteThe problem is exacerbated because he eats a lt. There's no point buying my grandkids' favourite sweets because he just eats them when he has the munchies. He even helps himself to my wine. I've pulled him up on this saying that if he wants a glass of wine he should ask me first.
Oy. None of this is good.
DeleteIs he, perhaps, the youngest?
He is the youngest. I was even thinking of having a chat with him but backed away from the idea as the chat will probably go skew-whiff.
DeleteProbably right
DeleteApparently, many young people, and even some older ones, who live with their parents, think that money falls from the sky like manna for the Israelites. But that's not true. Parents either earn it through hard work or receive it in dribs and drabs from the government as a pension, a reward for the countless years they've spent working and contributing. Anyway...
ReplyDeleteHere and elsewhere, it's difficult for young people to get on the property ladder. Though parents help them out, they should appreciate where the help comes from.
DeleteI think I would become very resentful in that situation - even if I could afford to be feeding him...Debbie's point is very valid, if he can't learn how to support himself he's going to be in a real quandary once you and your wife aren't around any more.
ReplyDeleteI am resentful. I share monies with my wife, and the stepson feels he can share my wife's monies - he often uses her bank card. I'm fed up with subsidising him. Last night I bought a pizza to be delivered. My wife then asked her son what pizza he wanted. I ended up paying for his pizza! If nothing else, it's made my will easier to write!
DeleteI'm coming back for a second time!
DeleteI don't think my stepson will ever be independent both financially and non-financially. He seems to live in his own world oblivious to the consequences of his actions. It wouldn't surprise me if he ends up in prison or even worse. He's got one assault charge over him; he claims he didn't do it, fair enough. But he just hangs out with the wrong people. This case involved him and two friends being assaulted my two people, one of whom was carrying a fake firearm.
What did he do in the situation. After realising his two friends were safe and running away, he chose to stop running away and go back to kick one of the assailants. And not only that he decided to bring back the fake firearm to my home. He was told in no uncertain terms to remove it from my home. His way of thinking isn't logical. I've always advised him to weigh up the pros and cons of the situation and to do the opposite what he thinks he should do.
I think because he was the youngest, he's always relied on his parents and his older sister and brother to bail him out of situations. I know I've bailed him out of two situations, but I'm not prepared to do that again. I could go on but I should stop now!
I'm coming back much later to reply (I don't get over here much anymore). It's kind of scary how a partner's children can end up being a "package deal". You sort of assume that if they're adults they aren't going to be a huge concern, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all!
DeleteHWD's older daughter has graduated from high school now and is 18, but I'm not assuming that means she'll be any less of a demand on his time and money. He's still driving her places and loaning his car to her, and just last week his ex was demanding more money from him as his share of the increased cost of to include her on car insurance. And I think his daughters will always be a priority over me. I sort of get it, but probably would get it a lot better if I had ever had kids of my own.
I can totally relate to your thinking. Your partner's kids are a package deal. Never make your partner choose because you'll feel bad if he has to make a choice, there's only one choice he can make if he's a responsible father. It would be totally different if you had kids. But that doesn't mean HWD holds all the cards.
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