AN IDIOT ABROAD

My stepson is still living with his father even though they both don't seem to like the cohabiting arrangement. At least my stepson so far has made no noises about coming back to live with his mother and myself.

He's now in Thailand on holiday with two friends for three weeks. What can go wrong?

Well it went wrong well before he set off from Nottingham to the airport to catch his flight to Bangkok. When he tried to download details about his flight, he realised he had booked the outgoing flight a month later than he should have done, and his return flight was booked as if he was staying in Thailand for four weeks! It turned out that he had booked his flights when he was drunk and stoned.

His father has had to cough up well over a £1,000 so his son can rearrange his flights. As he said to my wife (and his ex-wife), "it's money well spent to get rid of that cunt for a few weeks!"

My stepson has been in Thailand for just over a day and he's already phoned his mother, my wife, three times. My wife is very worried about what'll happen to him in Thailand. As she says, he thinks he knows it all but he knows nothing especially when it comes to visiting faraway places.

My stepson and his two friends had the 'bright' idea of only booking flights and not accommodation; they're already complaining about the cost of hotel accommodation in Bangkok. I advised them to at least book accommodation for the first few nights in Bangkok to give them time to get their bearings, make plans and shop around.

Given his compulsion to smoke weed, my stepson has been repeatedly advised to buy weed off other tourists even if it costs more than dealing with a local gang, which may be infiltrated by the police and which may be involved in a turf war with another gang. The Thai authorities aren't tolerant about drugs; long prison sentences and even death sentences have been passed down to tourists using and especially selling drugs.

Also my stepson has been advised not to criticise the Thai royalty - it's a criminal and imprisonable offence to do so. And he's been advised to take and use condoms even if he's with a lady boy in Bangkok!

While my wife is very worried about her son; I'm taking a more positive view of things thinking that this will help show my wife what an idiot he is. On his last phone call to my wife, he said he was about to eat a toasted cheese-and-beans sandwich. Clearly he's not embracing local culinary culture - Thai food is delicious. Thailand will probably pass him by; he'll just do what he would have done if he had remained in England.

I'll keep you updated, especially if things go awry, of his time in Thailand. I know I shouldn't laugh at people's misfortunes but schadenfreude can be a good antidote sometimes!